I am in utter confusion these days. Should I choose my career and keep my daughter in daycare. I am not able to decide what to do. It has been 3 years quitting my job and I am getting desperate to join one. But idea of leaving my baby in daycare also scares me. I am thinking of every aspect, every pros and cons but all becomes even in the end for me.
In past year I took care of Reva upon me. I have totally forget myself over her. Being our first child and that too was handed over us a month later made us quite protective parents and me the most obsessive mother. But things has changed in past couple of months when she became crawler and solid eater. Being away with daddy and constantly surrounded by strangers I think for her I was the only common link. Now when she is moving to toddler-hood and my job is now only to feed her, change her, clean her and to watch her where she is heading next left me frustrated.
Days with Reva are quite hectic. She always hang around on me, she only play when I am sitting next to her doing nothing, she would not let me cook and will roam around my foot or stand on my support and cry for me, she is on to me whole day. When Vishal comes from office she spends some time with him but later she search for me. I wait for her naps to do some household chores if possible, to eat Maggie and later some browsing, blogging, knitting or reading.
She is a very smart girl and can sense the feeling very well. When I am happy she knows it and giggles around like a squirrel. When I am frustrated she would know and wants me to hold her. Being around with her is a bliss, watching her tricks to pass the table to get the laptop cable or making faces to see her reflection in the mirror is really cute. She enjoy walks and to travel. Whenever we are in public places nobody can pass her by without smiling to her. If someone is not smiling or noticing her she will make him/her. The other day we were in tube train and one boy was on the phone in front of her. He was watching her but didn’t smile. She started babbling to him like “can’t you see I am here” and later her voice become heavier like she was threatening him. Everybody around was smiling and enjoying the scene. The boy got embarrassed and moved away. How can I leave my little angel to some strangers.
Vishal is a big support to me, he wants me to do something. Well moving from USA to UK was because of me. My visa status has restriction in USA but here in London I can do anything I want to but I am not able to take decisions. He already warning me that hanging of Reva on me is too much and is not a good sign. I am also afraid that spending all the time with my baby and getting frustrated almost all the time would lead me to more anger and frustration. I will lose the charm of raising a beautiful daughter. I want her to mingle with other babies and to play with them. I also wants to go out and make friends in the city. I have no one around to chit-chat. Sometimes I feel I am not doing justice to my career and to my education. After all the hard work I have done in the past to build my career now its going in drain. It’s a matter of couple of years and when Reva will off to school then how a I going to spend my time. I don’t want to be like my mother or mother-in-law who spent their entire life raising their children and family and now when we are away then its hard for them kill the time. I don’t want to be dependent on my children for happiness.
Will I be a selfish mother if I opt my career and keep Reva in day care ?